Ivan the Terrible

Ivan is this jerk who works with me.  From the first time I met him, I knew I was not going to like this guy.  He has long flowing hair that sometimes covers his face, and he has to frequently flip his hair back so it doesn’t cover his eyes.  Doing this in front of a nearly bald man with a large porcelain ego is insensitive.  Basically he is saying, “Not only do I have all this hair that completely covers my scalp, it’s also so much it gets in the way.”   I find this kind of bravado unpleasant.  This kind of behavior would be akin to me walking around work with my 9.777 inch penis hanging out at all times.  I would make all those men that are self conscious about the size of their penis very uncomfortable.  And that is the ONLY reason I do not do this.  I care about my fellow coworkers.  I don’t brag about my god given gifts. You shouldn’t brag about yours.  Ivan you need to cut your hair or at least keep it out of your face.  Or cover it up the way I do with my penis.  And if I see you flipping your hair in front of me again I will punch you in the face.

I know what you're thinking, 9.777 inches!!!  We just don’t believe that.  Well I’m a doctor.  I think I know how to measure my own penis.  Take a tape measure. Start at the base of the scrotum and measure around the scrotum to the base of the penis and then to the tip.  This is the only way to ensure that you are getting a proper estimation of the penis that is inside your body.  I have a diagram to demonstrate.

Blue Line shows where the tape measure should go.

The Red circle: That's still your penis!

See guys, your penis is a lot longer than you think.  It’s just that you have been measuring it wrong the whole time.  Next time you tell a woman how long your penis is you can say, “A doctor told me my penis is ___ inches long.”  Remember we are talking about your penis not your dick or your cock.  There will be a blog in the future that explains the difference between each of these, and it will go into more detail about proper measuring techniques.

The second reason I don’t like Ivan is that he is always cracking hilarious jokes under his breath.  Which is fine, but he does it at the most inappropriate times.  Usually when I’m seeing a patient.  I have to grind my teeth so I don’t open my mouth and laugh.  After years of grinding my mouth closed at work, I have stopped laughing all together.  Then I lost my sense of humor.  And now everyone at work thinks Ivan’s so fucking funny and Mitul is such a grumpy jerk.  Ivan, if one more person comes up to me and tells me how funny you are, I will punch you in the face.

After years of knowing this clown, I finally meet his wife.  She turns out to be a beautiful, kind-hearted woman.  Even though this specific fact did not make me jealous, it heightened my displeasure for Ivan.  Why does this guy have everything? The Hair. The Laughs. And The Girl.  Oh and I just remembered, he fucking plays the guitar while beautifully singing. That was the final nail in the coffin.  My fragile ego couldn’t handle this.  Our friendship was done. 

Then I got the terrible news that Ivan’s wife and my wife were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates 3 days apart.  I knew this would be a problem because I would be forced to hang out with him for the sake of my child.  I would have to make this sacrifice.   Ivan and his wife Kelsey were so nice to us.  They came to our baby shower.  They gave us advice on how to help induce labor.  They visited us in the hospital.  They had their baby two weeks before us.  They have given us invaluable information about what to expect. 

My wife had some emotional ups and down after the pregnancy.  She was just realizing how much work breastfeeding requires.  Almost at that exact moment Ivan texted me: “You want to have a breast feeding party?”  My wife cried tears of joy. “How did he know that that is exactly what I needed?”  We had the party and everyone got along great.   The wives got to discuss the emotional times that occur after giving birth.  They discussed breastfeeding techniques and how to put up with their annoying husbands.  Ivan and I worked out together; and we discussed how we could be less annoying to our wives.  The party went well, BUT Ivan, if you give my wife exactly what she needs one more time, I will DEFINITELY punch you right in the face.

Ivan and I are competitive.  We compete with each other when we work out and play poker.  Now we can have our babies compete.  And I want to win.  Ivan has already beat me at everything else.

At the second breast feeding party,  we had a competition. Hendrix vs. Renin on the Fisher Price Rainforest gym. 

Even though we are competitive.  We are not crazy with our kids.  The kids are being scored on a participation only basis.  They either get a score of 1 if they try or 0 if they don’t. 

The categories are:

1. Look at something. 

2. Touch Something. 

3. Look Crazy. 

4. Look Cute. 

We are not going to compete and figure out which kid looked at the gym better or which kid is cuter.  We just want our kids to go out there and have fun. 

Tale of the Tape

Hendrix:

Age: 31 Days old
Birth Wt: 7lb 3 oz
Fight Wt.: 8lb 9 oz

Birth Length: 21 inches 

Fight Length: 22 inches

Renin:
Age: 14days
Birth Wt: 5 lb 15 oz
Fight Wt: 6 lb 6 oz.
Birth Length: 19 inches
Fight Lenghth: 19.75 inches

Body/Age: Advantage Hendrix 

Odds makers gave Hendrix a -1 handicap for his physical prowess

Home Field: Advantage Renin

Odds makers gave Renin a -.5 handicap for home field advantage

Making the total line for this matchup as Hendrix favored by half a point. 

Ivan felt good about his kid’s chances and placed a $50 bet.  Meaning Hendrix would have to win by one point for his dad to win money.  If the match ended as a tie, I would win money.

Category 1 Look at something:

Hendrix looks at mirror: 1 point

Renin looks at leaf

 Renin 1 point.  

Category 2 Touch something:

Hendrix 1 point

Renin 0 points. 

After 5 minutes of lying in the gym, Renin refused to touch anything.  Then he started crying like a god damn baby, and he couldn’t even run to his mom.  Mom had to pick him up.  That’s fine I’ll get over it.  He is only 14 days old and I’m sure when he is older like 30 or 40 days he’ll start touching the gym.  I’m not going to put pressure on him like some parents do when their children play sports.  I’m just going to let Renin decide on his own when he is going to take this competition seriously.  And I want him to know that I am not mad at him.  I may be disappointed but definitely not mad.

Look Crazy:

 Hendrix 1 point

Renin 1 point.

Look Cute:

Hendrix 1 point

Renin 1 point.

Final score:

Hendrix 4, Renin 3 

Winner was Hendrix.
And more important than that, as Ivan and I know is that he covered the spread.

After the contest Winners eat first:

 Food from Thai Jasmine.

Nidhi and Renin both exhausted from a long, hard day of competing:

 Time to rest up for next week. 

Is Thursday good for you guys?  I promise to have your $50 by then.

Written by Mitul Sheera.  Edited by Dave Smith.  Executive Producer Nidhi Garg.  My Muse Renin Sheera.  Photography Mitul Sheera.  Thanks to Ivan, Kelsey, and Hendrix for tolerating us.

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