Ivan the Terrible

Ivan is this jerk who works with me.  From the first time I met him, I knew I was not going to like this guy.  He has long flowing hair that sometimes covers his face, and he has to frequently flip his hair back so it doesn’t cover his eyes.  Doing this in front of a nearly bald man with a large porcelain ego is insensitive.  Basically he is saying, “Not only do I have all this hair that completely covers my scalp, it’s also so much it gets in the way.”   I find this kind of bravado unpleasant.  This kind of behavior would be akin to me walking around work with my 9.777 inch penis hanging out at all times.  I would make all those men that are self conscious about the size of their penis very uncomfortable.  And that is the ONLY reason I do not do this.  I care about my fellow coworkers.  I don’t brag about my god given gifts. You shouldn’t brag about yours.  Ivan you need to cut your hair or at least keep it out of your face.  Or cover it up the way I do with my penis.  And if I see you flipping your hair in front of me again I will punch you in the face.

I know what you're thinking, 9.777 inches!!!  We just don’t believe that.  Well I’m a doctor.  I think I know how to measure my own penis.  Take a tape measure. Start at the base of the scrotum and measure around the scrotum to the base of the penis and then to the tip.  This is the only way to ensure that you are getting a proper estimation of the penis that is inside your body.  I have a diagram to demonstrate.

Blue Line shows where the tape measure should go.

The Red circle: That's still your penis!

See guys, your penis is a lot longer than you think.  It’s just that you have been measuring it wrong the whole time.  Next time you tell a woman how long your penis is you can say, “A doctor told me my penis is ___ inches long.”  Remember we are talking about your penis not your dick or your cock.  There will be a blog in the future that explains the difference between each of these, and it will go into more detail about proper measuring techniques.

The second reason I don’t like Ivan is that he is always cracking hilarious jokes under his breath.  Which is fine, but he does it at the most inappropriate times.  Usually when I’m seeing a patient.  I have to grind my teeth so I don’t open my mouth and laugh.  After years of grinding my mouth closed at work, I have stopped laughing all together.  Then I lost my sense of humor.  And now everyone at work thinks Ivan’s so fucking funny and Mitul is such a grumpy jerk.  Ivan, if one more person comes up to me and tells me how funny you are, I will punch you in the face.

After years of knowing this clown, I finally meet his wife.  She turns out to be a beautiful, kind-hearted woman.  Even though this specific fact did not make me jealous, it heightened my displeasure for Ivan.  Why does this guy have everything? The Hair. The Laughs. And The Girl.  Oh and I just remembered, he fucking plays the guitar while beautifully singing. That was the final nail in the coffin.  My fragile ego couldn’t handle this.  Our friendship was done. 

Then I got the terrible news that Ivan’s wife and my wife were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates 3 days apart.  I knew this would be a problem because I would be forced to hang out with him for the sake of my child.  I would have to make this sacrifice.   Ivan and his wife Kelsey were so nice to us.  They came to our baby shower.  They gave us advice on how to help induce labor.  They visited us in the hospital.  They had their baby two weeks before us.  They have given us invaluable information about what to expect. 

My wife had some emotional ups and down after the pregnancy.  She was just realizing how much work breastfeeding requires.  Almost at that exact moment Ivan texted me: “You want to have a breast feeding party?”  My wife cried tears of joy. “How did he know that that is exactly what I needed?”  We had the party and everyone got along great.   The wives got to discuss the emotional times that occur after giving birth.  They discussed breastfeeding techniques and how to put up with their annoying husbands.  Ivan and I worked out together; and we discussed how we could be less annoying to our wives.  The party went well, BUT Ivan, if you give my wife exactly what she needs one more time, I will DEFINITELY punch you right in the face.

Ivan and I are competitive.  We compete with each other when we work out and play poker.  Now we can have our babies compete.  And I want to win.  Ivan has already beat me at everything else.

At the second breast feeding party,  we had a competition. Hendrix vs. Renin on the Fisher Price Rainforest gym. 

Even though we are competitive.  We are not crazy with our kids.  The kids are being scored on a participation only basis.  They either get a score of 1 if they try or 0 if they don’t. 

The categories are:

1. Look at something. 

2. Touch Something. 

3. Look Crazy. 

4. Look Cute. 

We are not going to compete and figure out which kid looked at the gym better or which kid is cuter.  We just want our kids to go out there and have fun. 

Tale of the Tape

Hendrix:

Age: 31 Days old
Birth Wt: 7lb 3 oz
Fight Wt.: 8lb 9 oz

Birth Length: 21 inches 

Fight Length: 22 inches

Renin:
Age: 14days
Birth Wt: 5 lb 15 oz
Fight Wt: 6 lb 6 oz.
Birth Length: 19 inches
Fight Lenghth: 19.75 inches

Body/Age: Advantage Hendrix 

Odds makers gave Hendrix a -1 handicap for his physical prowess

Home Field: Advantage Renin

Odds makers gave Renin a -.5 handicap for home field advantage

Making the total line for this matchup as Hendrix favored by half a point. 

Ivan felt good about his kid’s chances and placed a $50 bet.  Meaning Hendrix would have to win by one point for his dad to win money.  If the match ended as a tie, I would win money.

Category 1 Look at something:

Hendrix looks at mirror: 1 point

Renin looks at leaf

 Renin 1 point.  

Category 2 Touch something:

Hendrix 1 point

Renin 0 points. 

After 5 minutes of lying in the gym, Renin refused to touch anything.  Then he started crying like a god damn baby, and he couldn’t even run to his mom.  Mom had to pick him up.  That’s fine I’ll get over it.  He is only 14 days old and I’m sure when he is older like 30 or 40 days he’ll start touching the gym.  I’m not going to put pressure on him like some parents do when their children play sports.  I’m just going to let Renin decide on his own when he is going to take this competition seriously.  And I want him to know that I am not mad at him.  I may be disappointed but definitely not mad.

Look Crazy:

 Hendrix 1 point

Renin 1 point.

Look Cute:

Hendrix 1 point

Renin 1 point.

Final score:

Hendrix 4, Renin 3 

Winner was Hendrix.
And more important than that, as Ivan and I know is that he covered the spread.

After the contest Winners eat first:

 Food from Thai Jasmine.

Nidhi and Renin both exhausted from a long, hard day of competing:

 Time to rest up for next week. 

Is Thursday good for you guys?  I promise to have your $50 by then.

Written by Mitul Sheera.  Edited by Dave Smith.  Executive Producer Nidhi Garg.  My Muse Renin Sheera.  Photography Mitul Sheera.  Thanks to Ivan, Kelsey, and Hendrix for tolerating us.

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Living Vicariously

You know how they say people try to relive their youth through their kids. Well, I got to use a comb for the first time in 15 years. Mowhawks are still in style right?

My wife is beautiful but with short eyelashes. Now she finally gets to use an eye lash curler.  What's a good brand for babies?

 Please hit +1 below if you like.  Comments Welcome.

Ugly Indian Baby

Ugly Indian baby.  
This is the one thing that all soon to be Indian parents fear.  As many of you know.  Many babies are hideous.

Especially the pure bred Indian.  This can occur even if both parents are marginally doable like in our situation.

This was the constant fear that my lovely wife and I had during our pregnancy.  It was on our week 20 ultrasound when we heard the terrible news. 

The doctor said,  “Wow, Your baby has hair.  He said, “Oh, Yes he has hair from front to back.”  
Front to back of what? I thought. What are you talking about?  The rest of the doctor's visit was a blur.  I stopped listening.

I was driving home with this fear of a super hairy baby. My baby has hair already and it’s only week 20.  How much worse could this get.  I could tell the doctor was shocked. It was in his tone.  Tone is everything.  My wife taught me that.  The way he said the word “WOW”  I knew something was wrong.  

During the drive home I received some other bad news.  Apperently our baby was very small.  Something about the head or the abdomen or some other measurement the doctor made.  I wasn’t listening at that point. But my wife was, and she said that was the whole reason we were at the doctors.  And apparently my baby was smaller than most, and he wanted to see us back sooner than originally scheduled.  My wife was super concerned about the size of our baby.  He wasn’t growing as fast as he was earlier in the pregnancy. Anxiety ensued.

Next doctors appointment: The news gets worse.  This time our sonogram was performed not by the doctor but by a sonography tech.  Clearly, their skills can’t be the same as the doctors.  She starts off telling us the heart, kidneys etc. look OK.  And now she is checking the spine when she says, “Oh wow your baby has hair on his back.” WHAT!?!?!?  My baby has hair on his back at 24 weeks are you kidding me.  I knew it. I was in for a UIB. Nothing could change that now.

During that drive home my wife is crying.  I have to comfort her. I said don’t worry we will love the baby the same no matter what it looks like.  She sceams “you weren’t you even listening.”  I said I was.  The baby has a hairy back.  I heard everything.  NO, NO she screams the baby is not growing as fast as it should.  It was 50 percentile before and now it’s dropping to 25%.  The doctor didn’t seem that worried about the size he just wanted to see us in 4 weeks.

28 weeks. It gets worse.  This was the most upsetting of all appointments.  The disease was spreading.  While checking the babies arms, the sonographer comments the baby has hair on his shoulders. Fuck. Say it ain’t so.  I started to cry. The doctor came in and did his thing. My wife and him had a discussion about something.  The baby I guess.  Then I finally got to ask my question.  Do you think the baby is too hairy?  He laughed and said “Is that what you are worried about?”  It wasn’t what he said.  It was the way he said it.  The tone it was so evil and smug.  I was in for a UIB.  Nothing could change that now.

The drive home was déjà vu for me.  It will also be for the readers if I describe what happened. 

Next sono, hair on the face.  BTW sonography technology is amazing.  Even I as a doctor didn't know you could see hair on a sonogram.

The drive home déjà vu.  The baby was 5% but still growing. 

Next sono I was afraid to ask if the hair had moved to the hands and if I was having a Werebaby.  That’s a combination of a werewolf and a baby for those of you that don’t watch bad movies or read comics.

So lets just skip to 7-11-13 Disaster Day.

7-11 is India’s 9-11.  When terrorist attacked Mumbai and killed millions, or thousand. I’m not sure. Suffice it to say a very small percent of Indians.

Now 7-11 had become My Disaster day.  The day I’ve been dreading my whole life.  Not just becoming a father but a father to a UIB who is probably also a werebaby.  

And……….

Ugliest baby I have ever seen

So this is the first thing he says to me.

Fuck You Dad. How dare you call me ugly.

Then a few short hours later. I realized my wife had not give birth to an alien baby but something wonderful.

 

Shortly after that.  I was soooo damn happy my family and friends in Dallas thought I was manic.  Well how else would you react going from a werebaby to the cutest F'ing baby I had ever seen.

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Disclaimer Read First.

Disclaimer Read First:

I do have the approval of my wife to do this blog.  She does not find every sentence I write funny, but she thinks I’m a funny person.  I embarrass both myself  and my wife regularly.  Now it’ll be more public.  We have been together for over 18 years married for almost 11.  We will be together for the rest of our lives.  I have not had a comedic outlet for my thoughts in over 15 years.  With the birth of our child I decided I need to change that because in the first 10 days of his life he has given so much more than I ever thought possible.  I had dreams of dying childless and happy.  Now I realize how dumb I was.  Having a child is the greatest thing that one can do for themselves.  I’m sorry for the relatives whom I have offended.  Please feel free to post your negative comments on the blog.  No need to send me angry texts.  This blog will have a level of honesty that may be uncomfortable for some that are close to me.  Hopefully others will like it. 

What is the goal of this blog.  

#1  I wanted to share the experience of a reluctant dad.  To be honest (which is the whole point of this thing), I did not want my child 11 days ago.  Now that he has turned 10 days today I realize I love him more and more each day.  How can this be? Well that’s one of the points of this blog.  You’ll have to check in weekly to find out.

#2. I wanted a place to share my photos.  I have a hobby of photography and FB seemed to always degrade my photos.  I’d like to share them here.

#3 I used to think I was funny.  When I was in high school I could make so many people laugh.  That continued through medschool, but now being a doctor it is very inappropriate for me to say any of the funny things that I’m thinking.  I’ve been about to laugh at work and I have to hold it in.  I’m not saying I’m a Jerry Seinfeld or a Chris Rock, I’m not even a Margeret Choo, or Carrot top.  I’m just someone that wants to be honest.  Disclaimer: I may exaggerate some stories for effect

Renin This Morning. I love you Renin.

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First Baby Bath Family Tradition (original)

I will soon post pictures of the Sheera family tradition of the baby’s first bath.  This has been a long standing tradition since the days of July 18, 2013 when I invited it.  I can invent traditions can’t I?  Sure I can says the voice inside my head, and I have to agree with him.  Well that’s two people that say I can.  So YES WE CAN.  Especially since there are only 5 Sheera’s living in America and Renin is the second one born in America.  

I will write about each step of this sacred tradition in excruciating detail with photographic accompaniment so as to preserve it on Facebook for generations of Sheera’s to come.  Someone once told me once you put something on The Facebook it can never be erased from The internets which is really just a series of tubes as the late great computer genius Ted Stevens described.

This tradition may move from one tube to another in another part of the world the way my bowel movement moves from the toilet to some sewer line but it will never go away and will be around to cause a stink.

Anyway lets get on to step one of this tradition. #1 MAKE A BABY.   As my wife’s mom (by the way greatest mother in law ever) told us, have sex everyday.  Sorry no photographic or video accompaniment.   Unless TMZ or someone else leaks it.  But trust me in that you do not want to see it.   Anyway this sex must be vaginal no matter how tempting the other options maybe.  You will have to do this until the birth of a child or until you die the happiest man on the planet.  Well I’m alive and still happy so win win.  Whoops gotta go family duties call.

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